Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Mentors

So to move on to something positive and hopeful after yesterday's rather dismal post...

I think I'm going to start a series on the various wonderful women (and men, but mostly women) who have mentored me through the years.  These people, at one point or another, have truly taken me under their wing and helped me both grow and succeed. While I have always tried to thank each of them for what they have done, I truly believe that, in many cases, it would be close to impossible for me to repay them.  I'm sure they would say that they never did anything out of the ordinary, but just having faith in a young person and encouraging them that they can do more, and be more is such a powerful gift.

As I've gotten older, I've tried to "pay it forward" and be a mentor to women a few years younger than me.  I've found that it's just as rewarding to be the mentor as the mentee.  I think the bond you build with someone while helping them grow is an awesome thing.

So, women should do it more often! Invest in someone else. Drink some coffee with them. Help them with their resume. Talk to them about problems at work and encourage them to tackle crazy hard obstacles.  Be a sounding board if they're dealing with harassment.  Just be there.  It's worth it. I promise.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Another doozy.

Today, I'm going to tackle one of the most serious issues yet.   Again, it's controversial and often a topic that is generally avoided, but, in my opinion, it's a real problem with no clear solutions.

I've been a victim of it many times - some situations were borderline laughable and others were outright predatory.

As a female in the workplace, there is  no "right way" to handle sexual harassment and frankly it just sucks.  I think there should be a special place in hell for men (or women - Horrible Bosses anyone?) who harass coworkers.  If we use Dante's Inferno as a reference, many would probably place them in the second circle (Lust), but I'd throw those punks into the ninth circle (Betrayal).  Harassers betray their work community and can make the victims feel helpless.

My first experience with sexual harassment was during an internship at the age of twenty.  I was working in the Marketing Research department of a large, well known company. My immediate boss was a lovely woman who treated me incredibly well.  Unfortunately, her boss was an older (un)gentleman who didn't seem to know how to act appropriately to save his life.  He once asked me what sorority I was in because he had seen sorority thongs with rhinestone greek letters and wouldn't I want that? Umm. no.  Not only would I have never bought those for myself to begin with, I certainly don't want them from a boss. Shit, I don't even want to talk about thongs, or cotton granny panties for that matter, with a dirty old man.

Later, at a dinner party, he asked if the female professor who recommended me for the internship was a lesbian because both of the interns she had sent to their program were "hot girls."  Well, that was a load of shit right there. I was offended that I was spoken about in such a manner but I was more offended that he said something like that about a beloved mentor.  It was just an asshole thing to say.

Thankfully, I didn't take that man seriously at all.  He asked if I might be interested in a full time job after graduation and I'm pretty sure I laughed awkwardly and said no thank you without any effort of telling him I appreciated the offer etc etc.  I can tell you that a short time later H.R. canned his ass so at least these things were not tolerated over the long term.

The next incident I had with harassment was the laughable one. This guy was old as dirt, cocky as hell, and thought people should care that he was rich.  He was a VP at the company I was working at.  I was a recent MBA graduate who was working too many hours and honestly, trying to prove myself.  He implied that I should get him coffee more often, that I didn't have the dedication that the men did, and that maybe I should wear shorter skirts.  Arrogant son of a .... The reason this was laughable was because I marched into the COO's office (immediately), interrupted a meeting, and told him, he could handle this son.of.a. or I would, and I promised it would not end well if I handled it.  The COO did me a solid.  Not only did he talk to him, he had his bulldog, take no shit, executive assistant (who I loved despite the fact that she scared me) tear him a new one.  Despite the fact that this VP outranked everyone involved, at the end of all of this, he apologized, brought me a coffee and NEVER talked to me condescendingly again.  While I never forgot, I eventually forgave.  It didn't make it okay but at least he made an attempt to make it better. While it wasn't laughable as it was happening, watching him grovel later certainly made him borderline pathetic... a sad, little comedic man.

Finally, my last encounters were the worst. I worked at a company where leering at women was completely accepted.  Jokes about strippers were commonplace and married men didn't even try to hide their affairs.  I am by no means saying that the girls were innocent in this but they were often helpless to change it.  The culture was so bad that I began to dress more and more conservatively....not that it really helped.  You know it is bad when you look in the mirror every morning and wonder if there is any way your outfit will encourage negative attention.  I was called "hot" in a board meeting.  I was told by a C level executive that I was welcome to sit in his lap if there weren't enough chairs.  WHAT?  Sadly, these kind of comments were common place (and they got WAY worse, these are tame examples) and I know other girls had it worse than I did.

I never thought this behavior was okay (and for the record, I'm not a prude nor am I that uptight) but my options were to quit or deal with it.  I had gone to HR and because these actions were committed by the VP of HR's bosses, well she told me honestly she could do nothing about it.  This company was sued more than once (they lost every time) for sexual harassment.  I honestly thought about suing when I left.  (It wasn't why I left but eventually it would have been had I not had other plans.) Sadly, if you sue, it feels dirty, if you stay at your job, it feels dirty, and if you just quit, well, you're screwed.  Thankfully, I didn't have golden handcuffs and could afford to leave.  But, why shouldn't I have sued?  I just didn't want to deal with the drama, the negative feelings and the feeling of "dirty money."  They got lucky that I decided it wasn't worth my time/energy.

The really sad part is that I wrote a long note about my experiences upon leaving.  I wrote down every detail of every negative thing that had happened to me before I left.  I didn't do this for me.  I did it hoping that the next girl who came along might not have to deal with it.  The VP of HR admitted during coffee months later, that my letter is sitting in a file in her office and that no one has seen it.  She just didn't think it would do any good and would only cause her issues.  I could blame her for not doing her job, but I don't.  I understand her predicament.  She is in a lose lose situation.  I could blame myself for not doing more but I don't.  I did what I thought was the best thing at the time.  My blame goes on the perpetrators.

I'm not writing these things down to drudge up old, very yucky feelings, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I'm writing them down to encourage others to not be afraid to talk about bullshit harassment and to also recognize that this is a problem EVERYONE needs to work on.  Maybe one day, the perpetrators will be openly shunned and we won't make the women feel bad about speaking up.  I know there are places where that happens but sadly I think harassment is still something that gets swept under the rug entirely too often.