Friday, June 28, 2013

Games I play...

So this goes back to the previous post about goal setting, but I totally play this game, ALL DAY LONG, where I set little mini-goals for myself (because.I.am.a.weird.kid.) 

For instance, this morning I decided to deep clean my house - literally scrubbed virtually every inch.  I did this between (and sometimes while on) numerous conference calls (the joys of working from home.)  That part is all well and good - clean house, work calls completed - A+ for multi-tasking.  Here's the weird part - Let's say my next call was in thirty minutes.  In my head, I would list out all the things I HAD to get done in that thirty minute time period and then I'd try to do them as quickly as possible.

Now, let's be clear here,  I did NOT have to do those things in the thirty allotted minutes.  (To be honest, the house wasn't horribly dirty, so I didn't have to do them at all.  But for the sake of argument, we'll go with the cleaning being necessary.)  While I had a lot of things I wanted to get done today, I had plenty of time to do them.  They could have waited until the afternoon, or even until the weekend.  There was no big party tonight where someone might have noticed that my toilets weren't scrubbed to perfection..so why in the heck did I give myself these time limits?

The answer is:  that's just who I am.  I like to challenge myself and set goals (even if they are totally meaningless.)  

Now, please don't think I'm totally nuts.  I can settle down and watch a movie with no agenda or goal in mind, but if I am in work mode, the games get played.  Does anyone else play these crazy games?  

 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Goal setting at its worst..

Ahh...the good old days.  When I reminesce about college, I don't think about partying (though I did enough of that) or bars (despite frequenting them often), I think about the fact that in many, albeit odd, ways, life was easier.  So, I was broke, and my furniture and home weren't all that nice, and I did often have to work and go to school in order to get through, but that wasn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  For the Type A, achievement oriented, control freak of a girl that I am, there was a well lit path of "right" things to do which made life SO much easier.  

You remember in kindergarten when you got a gold star for being good? See, I like gold stars. Kindergarten was my jam.  I like "achieving" things and having an obvious way of knowing I've achieved it.  In college, there was firstly your report card.  The report card was a very obvious indicator of achieving something.  This led to honor societies.  Grades plus volunteerism and social sororities etc led to Motor Board which was generally a sign that you did good stuff for the College.  So, while I didn't get into every single thing I may have wanted to,  the path was there and was obvious and it felt good.

Then there were internships to apply for, scholarships to try to win, GRE's to take, grad schools to apply for - the list goes on. It was just pretty obvious what you were "supposed" to do to get ahead.  Maybe it makes me a total nerd, but I really enjoyed having a fairly clear path of things I "needed" to do.  

Out in the real world, things get a little blurry.  Now, there are some professions that still lend themselves to this path - for instance, the military, certain consulting/law/accounting firms, and academia.  They aren't exact paths but you generally know what you have to do to get to the next level and there is a clear next level that you can strive towards.  I'm sure there is a downside to those professions too, but I am jealous that they all have a path that gives you some feedback on whether or not you're a rockstar.  

Currently, I have no path, other than maybe personal fulfillment?  While I chose this semi-retired life and am happy I did, the lack of a path is still hard to deal with at times.  Which clients should I go after? How do I achieve more? How do I even set goals?

I used to set goals like you would a check list.  Go to this city. Check. Save this amount of money. Check. Buy this item in cash. Check.  Blah blah blah.  None of that feels like anything important.  I mean, they are things I want to do, but I would do it whether I made it a goal or not.  It certainly doesn't feel like I'm achieving anything ...more like I'm just passing time.  I guess because the only competition with these so called goals is with myself?  That's not all that special. 

So what kind of goals should I be setting then?  And what do you do when you try to set goals that contradict with each other? I.E. travel vs saving money vs not being OCD and just enjoying myself?  It really can be a hard thing to balance all that stuff.  So then, all the goals just feel dumb, and I'd hate to think I'm just passing my time.  I'd like to be doing meaningful, achievement oriented things that maybe could help me be less crazy and help others in the process?  If anybody has any suggestions on how to accomplish such a thing, I'd love to buy you a coffee (or hell a steak dinner) and have you teach me your magic powers.

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Joys of Motherhood

I have two full bred Shiba Inus.  I love them with all my heart.  They are my children and I promise you I will feel that way even when I have a crying babe in a cradle. 

My baby girl, Gracie, just delivered a litter of four beautiful, healthy baby boys.  This was the most terrifying, yet wonderful thing I've gone through, possibly, ever.  For starters, Gracie was SO tired at the tail end of her pregnancy and generally seemed miserable.  (I'm sure I'll be no different when I'm as round as a beach ball one day.) She didn't want to eat, play or really even leave her bed except if she needed to go outside.  This is not my puppy.  It was so hard to watch her go through all that and not be able to do anything but pet and coo at her.  

I kept coming to check on her (because I was a nervous, worried wreck) and found her not in her bed, but instead on mine...oh...and her water had just broken...on.my.bed.  Now, normally I'm sure I would have been upset that my bed was covered in "water" but I was so excited and scared that I couldn't care less. 

Jayson came in (after I yelled his name like a madwoman) and we immediately started unpacking our delivery supplies.  Seriously, maybe 10 minutes later, our first baby boy was born. Now, Gracie was fairly freaked out.  She clearly was unsure of what was going on and she wouldn't hold still.  To say that it was a little messy is an understatement.  Despite her confusion and fears, she quickly figured out how to care for her son.  She licked him clean and got the fluid out of his nose and mouth before her next puppy made its way to the world.  By the third puppy, Gracie no longer really needed our help or reassurance. In twenty minutes, she was an old pro at this whole labor thing.  The forth and final guy was born while she nursed the first three pups.  Girlfriend didn't even get up to push the little guy out.  I  honestly didn't even realize we had four until I counted again..sneaky mommy.

Now, she's so devoted to these four squirming, whining, constantly eating, little guys. She is a different dog altogether.  She's eating and drinking but really will only think about herself when I bring it to her - she's left them once to go outside to do her personal business and ran right back to them when she was done.  She has no interest in toys or treats - just her four baby boys.  Perhaps I'm just sentimental, but to me it's beautiful.

She feels about these little baby pups, the way I feel about her.  Being a mama - to a child, an animal, or to your less responsible friends ;) can be incredibly rewarding.  I'm sure being a dad is cool too, but motherhood, in any form, makes me pretty happy to be a woman.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Women are crazy...Part 2

Body Image.

Again, a controversial topic that makes us crazy.

I watched the new Dove commercial again the other day.  This commercial is so interesting. It is plain old, good advertising.

(If you haven't seen it, please go here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk.)

It took their slogan of "Real Beauty" and made it less controversial than previous campaigns on size and health, and instead was something 99% of women could relate to. The moral of the story with this campaign - We are too hard on ourselves.

Let's face facts ladies. Our bodies can be improved (diet and exercise are miracle workers), sculpted, treated like temples, lathered in lotions, and tanned by the sun's rays, but without surgery (or, in the case of the media, photo editing) we have to work with what our mama's gave us.  DNA truly does give us some limitations.

For instance, I'm 5 foot tall.  This fact alone means I will never be a model.  I can't reach the floor when I sit down half the time and forget reaching the top shelf.  It also means that a maxi dress looks atrocious on me and walking shorts are a no go.  I am also "curvy".  I have legitimate curves that will not go away no matter how much weight I were to lose.  I can't pull off blousy tops because I either A) look like a milk maid in them or B) (even worse) look pregnant.  It is what it is.  

I am overall pretty happy with my body but not because I look perfect.  I've just accepted that there are things that would be VERY hard to change without going to extremes and frankly I just don't think that  4 hours of cardio a day and absolutely no cookies ever are worth having a magazine worthy body.

Instead I'd like to focus on generally eating healthy, getting exercise in ways I find fun (running = torture for this girl, kayaking = awesome and sculpted arms too!) and having good self esteem.  I totally understand that this is hard to do and I'm far from perfect at any of it.

I think I have a "one up" on many of the fairer sex though because of my background in both psychology and advertising.  There are studies that show that men ALMOST ALWAYS like their women bigger than the woman would choose to be.  That's interesting right there...I think the biology gods played a trick on the female mind and laugh at us as we obsess over our bottoms.  In addition, there is seriously no ad that isn't air brushed...none..zip..zero.  Once you know that, you stop caring what the girls in the magazines look like because THEY'RE NOT REAL!

But even if you can get over the girls in the magazines, you still have gorgeous, skinny, tan women with large bosoms to deal with in real life.  There aren't many of them, but they do exist, and even those of us with high levels of self esteem can find ourselves comparing ourselves to these ladies from time to time.

The other day a girlfriend of mine came over and we were discussing body image as a whole.  She was talking about fitness and weight and how she felt about herself.  Her self image is fairly healthy (and it should be, she's fit and beautiful!) but she still finds herself comparing her body to other women in a negative way.  I finally asked who it is she would want to look like if she could choose.  I happened to know all the girls she named off and every single one of these girls is teeny tiny (almost boy like) with fake boobs (thus no more boy like).  When I said "Friend, do you know that every girl you just listed has had a boob job?" she cracked up laughing and admitted she had no idea.  (No judgment on boob jobs from me!) So, my poor friend, has been comparing herself to an unnatural ideal.  Of course she can't compete with surgery!

So, ladies, don't compare yourself at all.  Eat healthy, exercise, get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, tell yourself that you're beautiful everyday like 10 times., and smile a lot.  Or at least try to. That's the best we can do.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Women are crazy

Okay, so I'm all for women's lib and equal pay, for equal work and 99.9% of all other modern feminist movements.  This is because I believe everyone (man or woman) should have the choice to fulfill their dreams anyway they see fit.

If you want to stay at home and be a house wife, good for you! If you want to be a CEO of a giant company, good for you too! Basically, I like women's lib because it let's women be who they want to be and is supposed to take away societal pressures to conform to some Stepford Wife norm.

Well in theory this is all great and I do think the woman's movement over the past 100 years has done amazing things for women...BUT....let's be real, societal pressures are still there for women.  The "norm" has in some ways has just gotten worse.

Now this will be controversial to many people, but I think women had it easier (easier, not necessarily better) when men were supposed to be the breadwinners and the women ran the home.  I mean, if your husband sucked, life sucked, but assuming you had a half way decent spouse, the pressures would have likely been more manageable.  It was probably boring to intelligent women and I'm sure it was frustrating to not go fulfill life's passions, so there's the bad part (granted that's a pretty BIG bad part.)

Today, this whole "do it all" thing is semi out-of-hand.  So, now we have the ability to make any choice and we ruin it for our damn selves by stressing out about having to have it all, do it all, be it all.  We want careers where we make crazy money and achieve great things, we want to be stellar moms, run beautiful homes, and keep our bodies beautiful as well, because we not only do it all, but we are sex kittens to boot.

WHYYYYY do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

I have friends that work HARD (because they have to feed their children - single motherhood is tough) and LOVE their children fiercely and always feel bad because the stay-at-home mom's can go on the field trips or volunteer in the classroom.  I have other friends that feel like they have to choose between their future family and their career because they make so much more than their male counterpart and don't feel comfortable bringing kids into the world quite yet.  I have other friends who really don't want to work anymore, and whose husbands are fine with them staying home, but some part of them just isn't ready for the potential judgment of "oh you don't work? aren't you spoiled!" from some family member or another.

I'm certainly no better at any of these things than any of my friends.  I am the queen of having the mini crisis where I question the meaning of life, and if I'm doing enough, saving enough, working out enough, saving enough orphans from burning buildings etc etc.  I question how I will both find meaningful work and be the mother who makes every soccer practice, ballet recital and science fair.  I don't even have children and I already worry about this.  (Yes, you're right, that's crazy.)

I think we need to give ourselves a break, try to be happy and just.do.our.best.  Make the decisions that are right for you, no matter what someone else might think!  I am well aware that that is easier said than done but I'm working on it.  I adopted the phrase "Give yourself grace" for 2013 and try to say it out loud whenever I catch myself being crazy hard on myself.  All the pressure is a waste of time and energy and us sex kittens have better things to do with our time. ;)




Friday, June 14, 2013

Money/Things versus Freedom

I regularly am befuddled on the average American's view on money for numerous reasons.  But the two   cases that stand out to me are as follows:

1. They are always broke and cannot live a happy life.  Their lack of money stresses them out daily and causes them to have to wonder where they will live or how they might eat the next day/month.  Sometimes the situation is not quite so dire but even then there is constant stress on how to ever save for a down payment for a house, or how to get a car when their current vehicle kicks the bucket.

Now, there are people in these financial straits with good reason - illness, divorce (a sort of good reason), or a dead beat ex spouse who doesn't pay child support etc etc.  My heart goes out to those people.  Unfortunately, more often than not, those reasons are not the reason for such financial hardship.

So many people talk to me about stress over money, and then eat out constantly, get tattoos, buy flat screen TV's....When I explain to them that to have peace of mind you have to make sacrifices in terms of material goods, well, no one likes me.  I try not to preach, so now, I try to just avoid the conversation altogether.  The problem comes in when people ask me for help!  It's a hard balance to give real advice that people might actually follow....but I guess the following part is on them, right?

A great example of this is a close friend of mine - a man in his fifties.  He doesn't own a home and really has no assets to speak of whatsoever.  I have attempted to get him to get his ducks in a row before, but so far, no dice.  His work is very physically demanding and he already has had one heart attack.  During that time, he had to borrow money from friends (including me) to survive.  He has no health insurance, no retirement plan...nothing.  When I ask him why he felt the need to buy new speakers the other day, his response was "God provides for me."  Oh man.

Now, I'm not going to even touch the religious side of that statement...but on the practical side, why is it God's job to manage your finances?  He may have a part in your health, and helping you find work, but in my opinion, whether you save or squander your resources, well that's all free will, baby.

When I ask about what he will do when he is too old to work...his response was "I plan on dying on the job."  I hope that plan works out for you buddy, because if not, life could get way worse.

Now, if he's happy and has managed to scrape by through life to this point, and this doesn't bother him, then who am I to say that it's wrong?  But, I worry.  I worry for everyone in this situation.

This brings us to example 2.  Now, these people I don't worry about at all..I just don't understand them. (I'm probably the weird one, not them.)  Yesterday, I went to lunch with a woman I adore.  She is in her 40's and has had a long and successful career.  She is married with no children and her husband also has done well.  I can't say that they are loaded but I'd imagine that they are more than comfortable. Now, this lovely lady, HATED her job.  She never admitted directly but I'm pretty sure she was miserable.  And technically speaking, she didn't have golden handcuffs.  She could afford to not be employed.  Recently, blessing or not (this is still TBD), she was laid off from her job.  She did receive severance, so for a few months, she can blissfully be paid to lay in the sun, work out etc.

I asked her what her next move was going to be. She told me very honestly that she wasn't sure yet. She also said that she really didn't want to go back to work at an 8 to 5 job for someone else who may or may not treat you like crap.  (I didn't blame her, obviously.)

I said "Great! Are you going to do volunteer work? enjoy being a house wife? turn into a lady or leisure?"

Her smile faded a bit and she said "Well to live the lifestyle of spending I'm accustomed to I have to go back to work."

I asked her very openly "What's more important, freedom and your apparent (just looking at her you could see it) new found stress free happiness or going shopping?"

She said she didn't know yet.

Now, there is no judgment from me here.  If you want pretty, shiny things, and you're willing to work for them, more power to you.  I don't get it, but more power to you all the same. For me, personally, there is no material good, Louis Vuitton or otherwise, that I would not trade for a healthy emergency fund.  I guess I'm wired differently than most, but the freedom and peace of mind that comes from never having to think of how I'll pay my bills is priceless.   If my boss is a jerk, I have no golden handcuffs.  I can happily tell him to "go to hell!" and walk.  That's worth a lot to me.

I hope my friend chooses a stress free life even if it means buying less shoes.  Or maybe, she can live the dream and find something she loves to do that still allows her lots of discretionary income...wouldn't that be nice for everyone??

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Sometimes, the best way to describe me is...a little ball of anger.

I think this would generally surprise my friends and that most of them would disagree with me immediately...but they would be wrong.  This is for two reasons.  One. I am generally an upbeat and supportive person.  Two.  I'm very good (possibly too good) at hiding (or at the very least heavily downplaying) when things are wrong.

Now, in all fairness, this hasn't been the best year for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with my semi-retirement.  I've lost a close family member and another has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer all in the last few months.  This has taken a massive toll on myself and my mother (who is my rock.)  (It is truly the worst feeling in the world to see your mother cry isn't it?)  So, anyways, maybe with all this personal turmoil, my patience level has dipped a bit recently.

With all that said, I really can't handle a lot of things anymore.  Mainly, when adults don't act like adults.  I feel that I am a generous person.  I go out of my way to help people - babysitting your kids, editing your resume and helping you job search, researching suppliers for your new business (for free), buying you a lunch just because, helping you move....you name it.  I do this because I want to and I don't think I get a cookie for it or anything.  I'm just saying that I put effort into trying to be a good friend to people I care about.  I also feel like my significant other and I are generous with our businesses.

When someone we know well is in a jam and need a place to live, we do our best to find them a solution (even if its inconvenient and not as much rental income) through our rental business.  If an employee needs an advance in pay, it is sometimes (probably too often) granted.  I am well aware that these are decisions we make and take responsibility for that decision.  I know that it won't always work out right when we take on that risk.  But, good lord, have mercy, can people start taking any responsibility for themselves? I am sick and tired of feeling like my generosity is taken advantage of! The excuses I hear are many (and rarely are they good!)

Recently, two things in particular have angered me to my core.  One. A guy who we will call Ike needed a place to live for him, his girlfriend and her child.  They were currently living day to day in a hotel and were fairly desperate.  Ike has been a good employee for a long time and is a nice guy. I felt bad for him.  I had tenants moving out of a property later that week. I helped those tenants move to hurry them up.  I then had my maintenance crew work weekends and overtime to get the house ready.  I didn't charge Ike the first month's rent and security deposit because he couldn't come up with it before moving in.  (Yeah, that's my fault.)  After all of that, Ike and the girl start fighting constantly.  He starts calling me about needing her taken off the lease...drama drama.  Then before the first month is even out, he decides they can't afford the property and leaves it ....with all their shit still in it.  I call him and tell him, I can't get rid of his stuff legally and that he has to remove it or sign a formal termination of lease and release of all possessions. His initial response was "Just throw it away. I'm over the whole situation." So now it was my job to move out his crap?  Seriously?  But guess what...that's exactly what happened.  So he still owes money, and I got to move him out.  Shame on me for being a good person?

Two.  We started a company with someone we will call Seth.  Seth was so excited to have his dream realized of his own store in an industry he was passionate about.  We have given Seth every opportunity to make this successful.  He gets a weekly salary, free legal and accounting (the company isn't charged for any of this.) What does he do?  He spends all the company's money on personal crap...repeatedly...even after we talked to him about it and he apologized for it...he does it again.  The problem is that this product cannot be tracked via a POS system exactly so he could sell under the table and we'd have no way of knowing if we take away his company card.  So now we're paying for him to go to dinner at Hooters?  No, I don't think so.  I want to kick him in the face.  Does he not realize that this is straight stealing?  He really doesn't get it and it makes my heart so sad.  When Seth needed a place to stay, he stayed in my guest room.  He's eaten meals at my table and drank beer from my fridge.  When he needed help and called me, I immediately got him whatever he needed.  And this is how we are repaid...repeatedly.

Maybe we help the wrong people? Maybe I just shouldn't help people out?  I don't want to close my heart off to people in need but the recent two events have made it very difficult not to.  These things happen all over though...even in the more professional settings where you wouldn't think someone would/could take advantage...well they do from time to time.

In the past it's been easy to brush my shoulders off but yesterday, frankly, I was ready to take somebody out for being a horrible human being.

Today is another day though. And, let's be honest, I'll keep giving because I don't know how to stop.  

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

So clearly, this blogging thing didn't work out for me as planned, as it has been over a year since I wrote the first post.  However, with that being said, since I am only blogging for myself (and whomever somehow stumbles across the page and cares to read it) I don't really care.

I would say the past year and two months has had highs and lows.  For someone like me, who is an incredibly type A, control freak, the lack of structure has been both exhilarating and stressful.  There are certainly times where I feel that leaving the rat race was the best decision of my life...like when I'm kayaking on the ocean, catching my fish dinner at four in the afternoon.  I also certainly have improved my tan since leaving the office life.  I  enjoy being able to see friends whenever they have time, and  rarely missing a family occasion.

The downside...sometimes I feel lost, or like a failure.  Now, I knooooow that I am not a failure.  I have saved a ton of money, and have chosen a lifestyle of freedom and flexibility.  I also have a LOT of fun. There are not things a failure does. However, I can't help it.  Sometimes the lack of passionate work leaves me feeling empty and like I'm not doing enough with my life.

I do work, a LOT, and honestly, it's not any more or less meaningful than when I worked on IPO's.  It's not like IPO's for a crazy CEO was my life's passion.  However, I still feel like I haven't figured out what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing with my life/time/energy.  I feel like I don't have something that belongs to me, that is MINE to work on.  That's the problem with freelance consulting...I'm at the whim of the clients who frankly are sometimes dumb.

I watched the first episode of House of Cards on Netflix the other day and was so anxious and stressed afterwards.  Like, my chest legitimately was tight.  I miss that fire the characters had!  Again, don't get me wrong...I don't really want a life of backstabbing political crap at all, but I do miss having the passion to achieve, to DO SOMETHING.

The balance between enjoying nature/my dogs/my family and burning up with passionate work is a daily struggle.  I think the path I have chosen is clearly better for my health and day to day enjoyment but it does come with a price.  I definitely sometimes feel like I'm wasting my time.  Let the struggle continue! Perhaps I'll figure out a better balance one of these days.