Knowing when to say no

So, one of my biggest faults has always been an inability to say no.  I just suck at it.  And while I think saying yes (more often than not) is a powerful and great thing, as an (almost) 29 year old woman, I need to know how to graciously turn someone/something down.

This becomes even more important when you are a freelance consultant.  All work is not created equal by any means! And there is an opportunity cost that comes from each job I take.  If I am working, I don't have the time to be looking for new jobs (that might be better) and the time versus money debate is important to me.

So far, I have liked (or at the minimum learned from) all of my freelance work. I've met a lot of new people and tried things that were out of my comfort zone.  None of this has been mind blowing but I feel like it has been worthwhile.

This week, for the first time, I turned down a rather lucrative consulting gig.  This was hard because it met many of my criteria - good money, flexible hours, home office, a cause I could support - but here was the rub - I didn't like the people.  They were disorganized.  It didn't seem like their heart was in it and the main guy, well, he's not the nicest person.  So, I turned it down.

I turned it down not just because I didn't like the people but also because saying yes to that job might mean saying no to something better.  It's a roll of the dice for sure, but I'm pretty confident I made the right choice.

Time

I am a person that is meant to be busy.  I'm not supposed to have a lot of free time.  I am very good at finding things to do with myself for the most part but occasionally, I simply run out of tasks. (like.right.now.)  It is currently 9:46 a.m. and I have already completed almost everything I need to do for the day.  Now, I'm sure I'll work on some things I don't need to do but there is a lot of day left to fill....

These are the times that I am slightly jealous of my multitudes of friends who can throw on some sweats, turn on Sex and the City, and veg for hours.  That's just not me.  I am not great at watching tv at all.  While I enjoy it, 95% of the time I'd like to be doing something else while watching it...(This drives Jayson crazy so I've done my best to learn to just sit, watch and relax.)

So, what do other people do with themselves when they have time/energy to burn?  Normally, I plan events, work on charity stuff, work out etc etc.  I can still do some of that but again, it's not yet 10 a.m. and I can't work out until dinner time.

Normally, my to do list is long and there is great joy in marking things off of it one at a time.  I guess I've just gotten through most of it magically! You'd think this would be a good thing....crazy, crazy girl, I am.

Wish me luck world.  I need to go tackle something now....

Grateful

Over the past few weeks, I have been lucky enough to see some of my favorite women from college. These women are smart, passionate, interesting girls who are all doing incredible things with their lives, both personally and in their careers. I am incredibly grateful to have so many great women in my life. 

Despite everyone successes, however, I'm grateful for another thing too. When I talk to all of these girls at the various bachelorette parties I've been attending, one things come out over and over again.  My friends are tired. Not all of them, but most of them. They work 60 hours a week. They go to school part time and work full time. They have more cases and depositions and business travel then sometimes they can handle. While I think most of them are happy, they admittedly do not all have a good work-life balance. 

I won't say that I've taken my newfound freedom for granted. I cherish my work-life balance and the fact that the life is the bigger part of that balance every day. But I will say that I think I may have begun to forget how different my life was. 

My girlfriend was describing how getting away for the weekend is almost a chore. That often all she does is rest, play with her dog, and hang out on the couch on the weekends because she just has to have that quiet time. She still enjoys wine and she still likes to go out but she said she doesn't do it often.

I remember that feeling. I remember being so tired that on the weekend, I didn't want to go play. Now I can take a Friday off to go out of town without a moment's hesitation.  Being able to sleep in a bit on Monday to rest up from such a long weekend, that's also fine. So while I may not think everything in my career is perfect, I do appreciate the freedom that this new life has afforded me. 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes that's true, but, in this case, I think my grass is pretty green.

Mentor 1

Things I've learned from my mentors:

Over the years, I've been lucky enough to have a wide variety of strong and caring female (and male, from time to time) mentors. I've learned from them on lots of different issues, but the common theme from them all had been to just believe in myself.

My first real mentor (other than my mother, of course, who has mentored me since birth) was a professor in my business school. I took my first marketing class with her at age nineteen and was immediately and forevermore hooked. I found the psychology behind decision making fascinating and loved the enthusiasm she brought to every lecture. 

Over time, we built a friendship and later she asked me to work for her on some of her academic studies. I enjoyed the research side an incredible amount and felt like I learned from her every time we met in some way. She always took the time to ask me how life was and to talk to me about my plans for the future. It was because of her that I even considered applying for my MBA.  She always pushed me to go for things out of my comfort zone - whatever they may be - and basically always taught me not to let fear hold me back. 

A few years after graduation, I called her to get some advice on work drama. I was up for a very large promotion which was great, but it was for a position that I had no experience with. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it and agonized over the decision. A very large part of me wanted to just stay in my current, cushy, safe job (where I was very happy). After a five minute conversation where we outlined the pros and cons, she summarized her thoughts into two statements:

One. If everyone likes you, you probably aren't doing your job.

Two. You are Amanda f*$@$@ Moore. Of course, you can do this new job.

I felt a bit silly doubting myself after hearing my mentor (who rarely curses btw) say that.

Needless to say, I took the new job and while it wasn't always sunshine and roses, it was a great experience that opened a lot of doors for my future success.

I love that woman.

Mentors

So to move on to something positive and hopeful after yesterday's rather dismal post...

I think I'm going to start a series on the various wonderful women (and men, but mostly women) who have mentored me through the years.  These people, at one point or another, have truly taken me under their wing and helped me both grow and succeed. While I have always tried to thank each of them for what they have done, I truly believe that, in many cases, it would be close to impossible for me to repay them.  I'm sure they would say that they never did anything out of the ordinary, but just having faith in a young person and encouraging them that they can do more, and be more is such a powerful gift.

As I've gotten older, I've tried to "pay it forward" and be a mentor to women a few years younger than me.  I've found that it's just as rewarding to be the mentor as the mentee.  I think the bond you build with someone while helping them grow is an awesome thing.

So, women should do it more often! Invest in someone else. Drink some coffee with them. Help them with their resume. Talk to them about problems at work and encourage them to tackle crazy hard obstacles.  Be a sounding board if they're dealing with harassment.  Just be there.  It's worth it. I promise.

Another doozy.

Today, I'm going to tackle one of the most serious issues yet.   Again, it's controversial and often a topic that is generally avoided, but, in my opinion, it's a real problem with no clear solutions.

I've been a victim of it many times - some situations were borderline laughable and others were outright predatory.

As a female in the workplace, there is  no "right way" to handle sexual harassment and frankly it just sucks.  I think there should be a special place in hell for men (or women - Horrible Bosses anyone?) who harass coworkers.  If we use Dante's Inferno as a reference, many would probably place them in the second circle (Lust), but I'd throw those punks into the ninth circle (Betrayal).  Harassers betray their work community and can make the victims feel helpless.

My first experience with sexual harassment was during an internship at the age of twenty.  I was working in the Marketing Research department of a large, well known company. My immediate boss was a lovely woman who treated me incredibly well.  Unfortunately, her boss was an older (un)gentleman who didn't seem to know how to act appropriately to save his life.  He once asked me what sorority I was in because he had seen sorority thongs with rhinestone greek letters and wouldn't I want that? Umm. no.  Not only would I have never bought those for myself to begin with, I certainly don't want them from a boss. Shit, I don't even want to talk about thongs, or cotton granny panties for that matter, with a dirty old man.

Later, at a dinner party, he asked if the female professor who recommended me for the internship was a lesbian because both of the interns she had sent to their program were "hot girls."  Well, that was a load of shit right there. I was offended that I was spoken about in such a manner but I was more offended that he said something like that about a beloved mentor.  It was just an asshole thing to say.

Thankfully, I didn't take that man seriously at all.  He asked if I might be interested in a full time job after graduation and I'm pretty sure I laughed awkwardly and said no thank you without any effort of telling him I appreciated the offer etc etc.  I can tell you that a short time later H.R. canned his ass so at least these things were not tolerated over the long term.

The next incident I had with harassment was the laughable one. This guy was old as dirt, cocky as hell, and thought people should care that he was rich.  He was a VP at the company I was working at.  I was a recent MBA graduate who was working too many hours and honestly, trying to prove myself.  He implied that I should get him coffee more often, that I didn't have the dedication that the men did, and that maybe I should wear shorter skirts.  Arrogant son of a .... The reason this was laughable was because I marched into the COO's office (immediately), interrupted a meeting, and told him, he could handle this son.of.a. or I would, and I promised it would not end well if I handled it.  The COO did me a solid.  Not only did he talk to him, he had his bulldog, take no shit, executive assistant (who I loved despite the fact that she scared me) tear him a new one.  Despite the fact that this VP outranked everyone involved, at the end of all of this, he apologized, brought me a coffee and NEVER talked to me condescendingly again.  While I never forgot, I eventually forgave.  It didn't make it okay but at least he made an attempt to make it better. While it wasn't laughable as it was happening, watching him grovel later certainly made him borderline pathetic... a sad, little comedic man.

Finally, my last encounters were the worst. I worked at a company where leering at women was completely accepted.  Jokes about strippers were commonplace and married men didn't even try to hide their affairs.  I am by no means saying that the girls were innocent in this but they were often helpless to change it.  The culture was so bad that I began to dress more and more conservatively....not that it really helped.  You know it is bad when you look in the mirror every morning and wonder if there is any way your outfit will encourage negative attention.  I was called "hot" in a board meeting.  I was told by a C level executive that I was welcome to sit in his lap if there weren't enough chairs.  WHAT?  Sadly, these kind of comments were common place (and they got WAY worse, these are tame examples) and I know other girls had it worse than I did.

I never thought this behavior was okay (and for the record, I'm not a prude nor am I that uptight) but my options were to quit or deal with it.  I had gone to HR and because these actions were committed by the VP of HR's bosses, well she told me honestly she could do nothing about it.  This company was sued more than once (they lost every time) for sexual harassment.  I honestly thought about suing when I left.  (It wasn't why I left but eventually it would have been had I not had other plans.) Sadly, if you sue, it feels dirty, if you stay at your job, it feels dirty, and if you just quit, well, you're screwed.  Thankfully, I didn't have golden handcuffs and could afford to leave.  But, why shouldn't I have sued?  I just didn't want to deal with the drama, the negative feelings and the feeling of "dirty money."  They got lucky that I decided it wasn't worth my time/energy.

The really sad part is that I wrote a long note about my experiences upon leaving.  I wrote down every detail of every negative thing that had happened to me before I left.  I didn't do this for me.  I did it hoping that the next girl who came along might not have to deal with it.  The VP of HR admitted during coffee months later, that my letter is sitting in a file in her office and that no one has seen it.  She just didn't think it would do any good and would only cause her issues.  I could blame her for not doing her job, but I don't.  I understand her predicament.  She is in a lose lose situation.  I could blame myself for not doing more but I don't.  I did what I thought was the best thing at the time.  My blame goes on the perpetrators.

I'm not writing these things down to drudge up old, very yucky feelings, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I'm writing them down to encourage others to not be afraid to talk about bullshit harassment and to also recognize that this is a problem EVERYONE needs to work on.  Maybe one day, the perpetrators will be openly shunned and we won't make the women feel bad about speaking up.  I know there are places where that happens but sadly I think harassment is still something that gets swept under the rug entirely too often. 

Games I play...

So this goes back to the previous post about goal setting, but I totally play this game, ALL DAY LONG, where I set little mini-goals for myself (because.I.am.a.weird.kid.) 

For instance, this morning I decided to deep clean my house - literally scrubbed virtually every inch.  I did this between (and sometimes while on) numerous conference calls (the joys of working from home.)  That part is all well and good - clean house, work calls completed - A+ for multi-tasking.  Here's the weird part - Let's say my next call was in thirty minutes.  In my head, I would list out all the things I HAD to get done in that thirty minute time period and then I'd try to do them as quickly as possible.

Now, let's be clear here,  I did NOT have to do those things in the thirty allotted minutes.  (To be honest, the house wasn't horribly dirty, so I didn't have to do them at all.  But for the sake of argument, we'll go with the cleaning being necessary.)  While I had a lot of things I wanted to get done today, I had plenty of time to do them.  They could have waited until the afternoon, or even until the weekend.  There was no big party tonight where someone might have noticed that my toilets weren't scrubbed to perfection..so why in the heck did I give myself these time limits?

The answer is:  that's just who I am.  I like to challenge myself and set goals (even if they are totally meaningless.)  

Now, please don't think I'm totally nuts.  I can settle down and watch a movie with no agenda or goal in mind, but if I am in work mode, the games get played.  Does anyone else play these crazy games?