Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Giving generously...

This is actually a much more complicated matter than you'd think primarily because the term "generous" is so damn relative.  

You can give your time, your money, your energy....or maybe you give all three.  

Giving can be to a charity, a stranger, or to your friends and family.   

None are any better than the other and people who brag about what they give are probably doing it for the wrong reasons.  

So to summarize the beginning statements, all giving is good, and I try not to judge another's actions in terms of giving especially when we're talking about monetary giving.

However....(you knew it was coming didn't you?)...I am struggling a bit with a few things I've seen lately.  

There is NOTHING wrong with being frugal.  I am all for it.  Most of my frugal friends are the ones that are independent, pay their bills on time, and never ask for hand outs.  Sometimes these are my favorite people because (if you know me at all) you know that I LOVE self-reliant people.  But, there are times where frugal becomes cheap/tacky and that's just not good for anyone.

An example:

There is a lovely friend in my life who I would not call frugal.  She gives selflessly to others as often as possible.  She is a loving mother and friend and though not always the best with her money, she is a good person with a good heart who gets by just fine.  Sometimes she lives paycheck to paycheck and I doubt she rarely has money to donate to a cause.  But if you're hosting a fundraiser, she'll be there ready to run that 5k, or help you promote your event, or give you old clothing or baby items for the less fortunate.  She could sell a lot of these things and make a good chunk of money - money that she probably needs.  But, that's just not her.  If she has something she doesn't need, and you do need it, it's yours.  No questions asked.  

The friend described above has donated endless items to families in need.  A lot of these donations were things I asked of her.  At the time, I was happy to be able to be the conduit between someone who no longer needed said items to someone who did need them.  

Dun dun dun...I now find out that the family who often complains of being poor actually has a good chunk of money in the back (again relative but still).  Based on this, and a few examples of being not so generous in the money department, I am at a loss.  And here's the sad part, now I don't really want to help them - at least not monetarily.  Now, if I had known all along, had they not cried poor, I wouldn't care! It would still be a family that needs something getting it from a friend who would have been happy to give it.  But a part of me is slightly angry, that my friend who does the giving has SO MUCH LESS than the family doing the taking. 

So here's the moral of the story, if you are not BFF's with someone who is willing to give you something you need, and you have money in the bank that is above and beyond a few months worth of your monthly bills, you absolutely do not just take.  Maybe you say thank you with a gift card to Target or Starbucks, maybe you cook a few casseroles, or maybe you send a check that is a small portion of the value - like if you bought the things at a yard sale or thrift store - BUT YOU DO SOMETHING.  If you really are broke, then appreciate the generosity of the giver, say thank you and write a card.  (This does not apply the same way if it is family or your best friend where you share all your amenities the same way --- but frankly it SHOULD still apply in some small way.)

But don't just be takers people. We're better than that.  


Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Patience (or a lack thereof)...

So I have never had a lot of patience.  I can be empathetic.  I can be understanding.  But, I can rarely be patient.  I try my best not to be ridiculous. I have varying amounts of success at this.

Right now, I am waiting to hear about a new client - one that I REALLY want.  It's a non profit that is doing really cool things with sustainable charity - where for profit businesses fund non profit ventures.  After working with many philanthropies through the years, and seeing the constant need for donations, I am excited to see these innovative people find means to fund their charity that they control.  The new client works with lots of philanthropies that take on this business model, coaches them, finds grants for them etc.

I am having a very hard time waiting to hear about this client because I think this would be a great fit for me.  Finally, I potentially have a job that has meaningful and challenging work.  So, my excitement has caused me to have some definite ants in my pants.

Also, with all these back to school pictures floating around facebook, I want to also "get back to school."  I always enjoy a slower summer but come Fall, I'd like to be up and running.  It's just time to tackle some big things.  

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Knowing when to say no

So, one of my biggest faults has always been an inability to say no.  I just suck at it.  And while I think saying yes (more often than not) is a powerful and great thing, as an (almost) 29 year old woman, I need to know how to graciously turn someone/something down.

This becomes even more important when you are a freelance consultant.  All work is not created equal by any means! And there is an opportunity cost that comes from each job I take.  If I am working, I don't have the time to be looking for new jobs (that might be better) and the time versus money debate is important to me.

So far, I have liked (or at the minimum learned from) all of my freelance work. I've met a lot of new people and tried things that were out of my comfort zone.  None of this has been mind blowing but I feel like it has been worthwhile.

This week, for the first time, I turned down a rather lucrative consulting gig.  This was hard because it met many of my criteria - good money, flexible hours, home office, a cause I could support - but here was the rub - I didn't like the people.  They were disorganized.  It didn't seem like their heart was in it and the main guy, well, he's not the nicest person.  So, I turned it down.

I turned it down not just because I didn't like the people but also because saying yes to that job might mean saying no to something better.  It's a roll of the dice for sure, but I'm pretty confident I made the right choice.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Time

I am a person that is meant to be busy.  I'm not supposed to have a lot of free time.  I am very good at finding things to do with myself for the most part but occasionally, I simply run out of tasks. (like.right.now.)  It is currently 9:46 a.m. and I have already completed almost everything I need to do for the day.  Now, I'm sure I'll work on some things I don't need to do but there is a lot of day left to fill....

These are the times that I am slightly jealous of my multitudes of friends who can throw on some sweats, turn on Sex and the City, and veg for hours.  That's just not me.  I am not great at watching tv at all.  While I enjoy it, 95% of the time I'd like to be doing something else while watching it...(This drives Jayson crazy so I've done my best to learn to just sit, watch and relax.)

So, what do other people do with themselves when they have time/energy to burn?  Normally, I plan events, work on charity stuff, work out etc etc.  I can still do some of that but again, it's not yet 10 a.m. and I can't work out until dinner time.

Normally, my to do list is long and there is great joy in marking things off of it one at a time.  I guess I've just gotten through most of it magically! You'd think this would be a good thing....crazy, crazy girl, I am.

Wish me luck world.  I need to go tackle something now....

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Grateful

Over the past few weeks, I have been lucky enough to see some of my favorite women from college. These women are smart, passionate, interesting girls who are all doing incredible things with their lives, both personally and in their careers. I am incredibly grateful to have so many great women in my life. 

Despite everyone successes, however, I'm grateful for another thing too. When I talk to all of these girls at the various bachelorette parties I've been attending, one things come out over and over again.  My friends are tired. Not all of them, but most of them. They work 60 hours a week. They go to school part time and work full time. They have more cases and depositions and business travel then sometimes they can handle. While I think most of them are happy, they admittedly do not all have a good work-life balance. 

I won't say that I've taken my newfound freedom for granted. I cherish my work-life balance and the fact that the life is the bigger part of that balance every day. But I will say that I think I may have begun to forget how different my life was. 

My girlfriend was describing how getting away for the weekend is almost a chore. That often all she does is rest, play with her dog, and hang out on the couch on the weekends because she just has to have that quiet time. She still enjoys wine and she still likes to go out but she said she doesn't do it often.

I remember that feeling. I remember being so tired that on the weekend, I didn't want to go play. Now I can take a Friday off to go out of town without a moment's hesitation.  Being able to sleep in a bit on Monday to rest up from such a long weekend, that's also fine. So while I may not think everything in my career is perfect, I do appreciate the freedom that this new life has afforded me. 

They say the grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes that's true, but, in this case, I think my grass is pretty green.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Mentor 1

Things I've learned from my mentors:

Over the years, I've been lucky enough to have a wide variety of strong and caring female (and male, from time to time) mentors. I've learned from them on lots of different issues, but the common theme from them all had been to just believe in myself.

My first real mentor (other than my mother, of course, who has mentored me since birth) was a professor in my business school. I took my first marketing class with her at age nineteen and was immediately and forevermore hooked. I found the psychology behind decision making fascinating and loved the enthusiasm she brought to every lecture. 


Over time, we built a friendship and later she asked me to work for her on some of her academic studies. I enjoyed the research side an incredible amount and felt like I learned from her every time we met in some way. She always took the time to ask me how life was and to talk to me about my plans for the future. It was because of her that I even considered applying for my MBA.  She always pushed me to go for things out of my comfort zone - whatever they may be - and basically always taught me not to let fear hold me back. 

A few years after graduation, I called her to get some advice on work drama. I was up for a very large promotion which was great, but it was for a position that I had no experience with. I honestly wasn't sure if I could do it and agonized over the decision. A very large part of me wanted to just stay in my current, cushy, safe job (where I was very happy). After a five minute conversation where we outlined the pros and cons, she summarized her thoughts into two statements:

One. If everyone likes you, you probably aren't doing your job.

Two. You are Amanda f*$@$@ Moore. Of course, you can do this new job.

I felt a bit silly doubting myself after hearing my mentor (who rarely curses btw) say that.

Needless to say, I took the new job and while it wasn't always sunshine and roses, it was a great experience that opened a lot of doors for my future success.

I love that woman.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Mentors

So to move on to something positive and hopeful after yesterday's rather dismal post...

I think I'm going to start a series on the various wonderful women (and men, but mostly women) who have mentored me through the years.  These people, at one point or another, have truly taken me under their wing and helped me both grow and succeed. While I have always tried to thank each of them for what they have done, I truly believe that, in many cases, it would be close to impossible for me to repay them.  I'm sure they would say that they never did anything out of the ordinary, but just having faith in a young person and encouraging them that they can do more, and be more is such a powerful gift.

As I've gotten older, I've tried to "pay it forward" and be a mentor to women a few years younger than me.  I've found that it's just as rewarding to be the mentor as the mentee.  I think the bond you build with someone while helping them grow is an awesome thing.

So, women should do it more often! Invest in someone else. Drink some coffee with them. Help them with their resume. Talk to them about problems at work and encourage them to tackle crazy hard obstacles.  Be a sounding board if they're dealing with harassment.  Just be there.  It's worth it. I promise.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Another doozy.

Today, I'm going to tackle one of the most serious issues yet.   Again, it's controversial and often a topic that is generally avoided, but, in my opinion, it's a real problem with no clear solutions.

I've been a victim of it many times - some situations were borderline laughable and others were outright predatory.

As a female in the workplace, there is  no "right way" to handle sexual harassment and frankly it just sucks.  I think there should be a special place in hell for men (or women - Horrible Bosses anyone?) who harass coworkers.  If we use Dante's Inferno as a reference, many would probably place them in the second circle (Lust), but I'd throw those punks into the ninth circle (Betrayal).  Harassers betray their work community and can make the victims feel helpless.

My first experience with sexual harassment was during an internship at the age of twenty.  I was working in the Marketing Research department of a large, well known company. My immediate boss was a lovely woman who treated me incredibly well.  Unfortunately, her boss was an older (un)gentleman who didn't seem to know how to act appropriately to save his life.  He once asked me what sorority I was in because he had seen sorority thongs with rhinestone greek letters and wouldn't I want that? Umm. no.  Not only would I have never bought those for myself to begin with, I certainly don't want them from a boss. Shit, I don't even want to talk about thongs, or cotton granny panties for that matter, with a dirty old man.

Later, at a dinner party, he asked if the female professor who recommended me for the internship was a lesbian because both of the interns she had sent to their program were "hot girls."  Well, that was a load of shit right there. I was offended that I was spoken about in such a manner but I was more offended that he said something like that about a beloved mentor.  It was just an asshole thing to say.

Thankfully, I didn't take that man seriously at all.  He asked if I might be interested in a full time job after graduation and I'm pretty sure I laughed awkwardly and said no thank you without any effort of telling him I appreciated the offer etc etc.  I can tell you that a short time later H.R. canned his ass so at least these things were not tolerated over the long term.

The next incident I had with harassment was the laughable one. This guy was old as dirt, cocky as hell, and thought people should care that he was rich.  He was a VP at the company I was working at.  I was a recent MBA graduate who was working too many hours and honestly, trying to prove myself.  He implied that I should get him coffee more often, that I didn't have the dedication that the men did, and that maybe I should wear shorter skirts.  Arrogant son of a .... The reason this was laughable was because I marched into the COO's office (immediately), interrupted a meeting, and told him, he could handle this son.of.a. or I would, and I promised it would not end well if I handled it.  The COO did me a solid.  Not only did he talk to him, he had his bulldog, take no shit, executive assistant (who I loved despite the fact that she scared me) tear him a new one.  Despite the fact that this VP outranked everyone involved, at the end of all of this, he apologized, brought me a coffee and NEVER talked to me condescendingly again.  While I never forgot, I eventually forgave.  It didn't make it okay but at least he made an attempt to make it better. While it wasn't laughable as it was happening, watching him grovel later certainly made him borderline pathetic... a sad, little comedic man.

Finally, my last encounters were the worst. I worked at a company where leering at women was completely accepted.  Jokes about strippers were commonplace and married men didn't even try to hide their affairs.  I am by no means saying that the girls were innocent in this but they were often helpless to change it.  The culture was so bad that I began to dress more and more conservatively....not that it really helped.  You know it is bad when you look in the mirror every morning and wonder if there is any way your outfit will encourage negative attention.  I was called "hot" in a board meeting.  I was told by a C level executive that I was welcome to sit in his lap if there weren't enough chairs.  WHAT?  Sadly, these kind of comments were common place (and they got WAY worse, these are tame examples) and I know other girls had it worse than I did.

I never thought this behavior was okay (and for the record, I'm not a prude nor am I that uptight) but my options were to quit or deal with it.  I had gone to HR and because these actions were committed by the VP of HR's bosses, well she told me honestly she could do nothing about it.  This company was sued more than once (they lost every time) for sexual harassment.  I honestly thought about suing when I left.  (It wasn't why I left but eventually it would have been had I not had other plans.) Sadly, if you sue, it feels dirty, if you stay at your job, it feels dirty, and if you just quit, well, you're screwed.  Thankfully, I didn't have golden handcuffs and could afford to leave.  But, why shouldn't I have sued?  I just didn't want to deal with the drama, the negative feelings and the feeling of "dirty money."  They got lucky that I decided it wasn't worth my time/energy.

The really sad part is that I wrote a long note about my experiences upon leaving.  I wrote down every detail of every negative thing that had happened to me before I left.  I didn't do this for me.  I did it hoping that the next girl who came along might not have to deal with it.  The VP of HR admitted during coffee months later, that my letter is sitting in a file in her office and that no one has seen it.  She just didn't think it would do any good and would only cause her issues.  I could blame her for not doing her job, but I don't.  I understand her predicament.  She is in a lose lose situation.  I could blame myself for not doing more but I don't.  I did what I thought was the best thing at the time.  My blame goes on the perpetrators.

I'm not writing these things down to drudge up old, very yucky feelings, or to make anyone feel sorry for me.  I'm writing them down to encourage others to not be afraid to talk about bullshit harassment and to also recognize that this is a problem EVERYONE needs to work on.  Maybe one day, the perpetrators will be openly shunned and we won't make the women feel bad about speaking up.  I know there are places where that happens but sadly I think harassment is still something that gets swept under the rug entirely too often. 

Friday, June 28, 2013

Games I play...

So this goes back to the previous post about goal setting, but I totally play this game, ALL DAY LONG, where I set little mini-goals for myself (because.I.am.a.weird.kid.) 

For instance, this morning I decided to deep clean my house - literally scrubbed virtually every inch.  I did this between (and sometimes while on) numerous conference calls (the joys of working from home.)  That part is all well and good - clean house, work calls completed - A+ for multi-tasking.  Here's the weird part - Let's say my next call was in thirty minutes.  In my head, I would list out all the things I HAD to get done in that thirty minute time period and then I'd try to do them as quickly as possible.

Now, let's be clear here,  I did NOT have to do those things in the thirty allotted minutes.  (To be honest, the house wasn't horribly dirty, so I didn't have to do them at all.  But for the sake of argument, we'll go with the cleaning being necessary.)  While I had a lot of things I wanted to get done today, I had plenty of time to do them.  They could have waited until the afternoon, or even until the weekend.  There was no big party tonight where someone might have noticed that my toilets weren't scrubbed to perfection..so why in the heck did I give myself these time limits?

The answer is:  that's just who I am.  I like to challenge myself and set goals (even if they are totally meaningless.)  

Now, please don't think I'm totally nuts.  I can settle down and watch a movie with no agenda or goal in mind, but if I am in work mode, the games get played.  Does anyone else play these crazy games?  

 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Goal setting at its worst..

Ahh...the good old days.  When I reminesce about college, I don't think about partying (though I did enough of that) or bars (despite frequenting them often), I think about the fact that in many, albeit odd, ways, life was easier.  So, I was broke, and my furniture and home weren't all that nice, and I did often have to work and go to school in order to get through, but that wasn't really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  For the Type A, achievement oriented, control freak of a girl that I am, there was a well lit path of "right" things to do which made life SO much easier.  

You remember in kindergarten when you got a gold star for being good? See, I like gold stars. Kindergarten was my jam.  I like "achieving" things and having an obvious way of knowing I've achieved it.  In college, there was firstly your report card.  The report card was a very obvious indicator of achieving something.  This led to honor societies.  Grades plus volunteerism and social sororities etc led to Motor Board which was generally a sign that you did good stuff for the College.  So, while I didn't get into every single thing I may have wanted to,  the path was there and was obvious and it felt good.

Then there were internships to apply for, scholarships to try to win, GRE's to take, grad schools to apply for - the list goes on. It was just pretty obvious what you were "supposed" to do to get ahead.  Maybe it makes me a total nerd, but I really enjoyed having a fairly clear path of things I "needed" to do.  

Out in the real world, things get a little blurry.  Now, there are some professions that still lend themselves to this path - for instance, the military, certain consulting/law/accounting firms, and academia.  They aren't exact paths but you generally know what you have to do to get to the next level and there is a clear next level that you can strive towards.  I'm sure there is a downside to those professions too, but I am jealous that they all have a path that gives you some feedback on whether or not you're a rockstar.  

Currently, I have no path, other than maybe personal fulfillment?  While I chose this semi-retired life and am happy I did, the lack of a path is still hard to deal with at times.  Which clients should I go after? How do I achieve more? How do I even set goals?

I used to set goals like you would a check list.  Go to this city. Check. Save this amount of money. Check. Buy this item in cash. Check.  Blah blah blah.  None of that feels like anything important.  I mean, they are things I want to do, but I would do it whether I made it a goal or not.  It certainly doesn't feel like I'm achieving anything ...more like I'm just passing time.  I guess because the only competition with these so called goals is with myself?  That's not all that special. 

So what kind of goals should I be setting then?  And what do you do when you try to set goals that contradict with each other? I.E. travel vs saving money vs not being OCD and just enjoying myself?  It really can be a hard thing to balance all that stuff.  So then, all the goals just feel dumb, and I'd hate to think I'm just passing my time.  I'd like to be doing meaningful, achievement oriented things that maybe could help me be less crazy and help others in the process?  If anybody has any suggestions on how to accomplish such a thing, I'd love to buy you a coffee (or hell a steak dinner) and have you teach me your magic powers.

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Joys of Motherhood

I have two full bred Shiba Inus.  I love them with all my heart.  They are my children and I promise you I will feel that way even when I have a crying babe in a cradle. 

My baby girl, Gracie, just delivered a litter of four beautiful, healthy baby boys.  This was the most terrifying, yet wonderful thing I've gone through, possibly, ever.  For starters, Gracie was SO tired at the tail end of her pregnancy and generally seemed miserable.  (I'm sure I'll be no different when I'm as round as a beach ball one day.) She didn't want to eat, play or really even leave her bed except if she needed to go outside.  This is not my puppy.  It was so hard to watch her go through all that and not be able to do anything but pet and coo at her.  

I kept coming to check on her (because I was a nervous, worried wreck) and found her not in her bed, but instead on mine...oh...and her water had just broken...on.my.bed.  Now, normally I'm sure I would have been upset that my bed was covered in "water" but I was so excited and scared that I couldn't care less. 

Jayson came in (after I yelled his name like a madwoman) and we immediately started unpacking our delivery supplies.  Seriously, maybe 10 minutes later, our first baby boy was born. Now, Gracie was fairly freaked out.  She clearly was unsure of what was going on and she wouldn't hold still.  To say that it was a little messy is an understatement.  Despite her confusion and fears, she quickly figured out how to care for her son.  She licked him clean and got the fluid out of his nose and mouth before her next puppy made its way to the world.  By the third puppy, Gracie no longer really needed our help or reassurance. In twenty minutes, she was an old pro at this whole labor thing.  The forth and final guy was born while she nursed the first three pups.  Girlfriend didn't even get up to push the little guy out.  I  honestly didn't even realize we had four until I counted again..sneaky mommy.

Now, she's so devoted to these four squirming, whining, constantly eating, little guys. She is a different dog altogether.  She's eating and drinking but really will only think about herself when I bring it to her - she's left them once to go outside to do her personal business and ran right back to them when she was done.  She has no interest in toys or treats - just her four baby boys.  Perhaps I'm just sentimental, but to me it's beautiful.

She feels about these little baby pups, the way I feel about her.  Being a mama - to a child, an animal, or to your less responsible friends ;) can be incredibly rewarding.  I'm sure being a dad is cool too, but motherhood, in any form, makes me pretty happy to be a woman.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Women are crazy...Part 2

Body Image.

Again, a controversial topic that makes us crazy.

I watched the new Dove commercial again the other day.  This commercial is so interesting. It is plain old, good advertising.

(If you haven't seen it, please go here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk.)

It took their slogan of "Real Beauty" and made it less controversial than previous campaigns on size and health, and instead was something 99% of women could relate to. The moral of the story with this campaign - We are too hard on ourselves.

Let's face facts ladies. Our bodies can be improved (diet and exercise are miracle workers), sculpted, treated like temples, lathered in lotions, and tanned by the sun's rays, but without surgery (or, in the case of the media, photo editing) we have to work with what our mama's gave us.  DNA truly does give us some limitations.

For instance, I'm 5 foot tall.  This fact alone means I will never be a model.  I can't reach the floor when I sit down half the time and forget reaching the top shelf.  It also means that a maxi dress looks atrocious on me and walking shorts are a no go.  I am also "curvy".  I have legitimate curves that will not go away no matter how much weight I were to lose.  I can't pull off blousy tops because I either A) look like a milk maid in them or B) (even worse) look pregnant.  It is what it is.  

I am overall pretty happy with my body but not because I look perfect.  I've just accepted that there are things that would be VERY hard to change without going to extremes and frankly I just don't think that  4 hours of cardio a day and absolutely no cookies ever are worth having a magazine worthy body.

Instead I'd like to focus on generally eating healthy, getting exercise in ways I find fun (running = torture for this girl, kayaking = awesome and sculpted arms too!) and having good self esteem.  I totally understand that this is hard to do and I'm far from perfect at any of it.

I think I have a "one up" on many of the fairer sex though because of my background in both psychology and advertising.  There are studies that show that men ALMOST ALWAYS like their women bigger than the woman would choose to be.  That's interesting right there...I think the biology gods played a trick on the female mind and laugh at us as we obsess over our bottoms.  In addition, there is seriously no ad that isn't air brushed...none..zip..zero.  Once you know that, you stop caring what the girls in the magazines look like because THEY'RE NOT REAL!

But even if you can get over the girls in the magazines, you still have gorgeous, skinny, tan women with large bosoms to deal with in real life.  There aren't many of them, but they do exist, and even those of us with high levels of self esteem can find ourselves comparing ourselves to these ladies from time to time.

The other day a girlfriend of mine came over and we were discussing body image as a whole.  She was talking about fitness and weight and how she felt about herself.  Her self image is fairly healthy (and it should be, she's fit and beautiful!) but she still finds herself comparing her body to other women in a negative way.  I finally asked who it is she would want to look like if she could choose.  I happened to know all the girls she named off and every single one of these girls is teeny tiny (almost boy like) with fake boobs (thus no more boy like).  When I said "Friend, do you know that every girl you just listed has had a boob job?" she cracked up laughing and admitted she had no idea.  (No judgment on boob jobs from me!) So, my poor friend, has been comparing herself to an unnatural ideal.  Of course she can't compete with surgery!

So, ladies, don't compare yourself at all.  Eat healthy, exercise, get lots of sleep, drink lots of water, tell yourself that you're beautiful everyday like 10 times., and smile a lot.  Or at least try to. That's the best we can do.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Women are crazy

Okay, so I'm all for women's lib and equal pay, for equal work and 99.9% of all other modern feminist movements.  This is because I believe everyone (man or woman) should have the choice to fulfill their dreams anyway they see fit.

If you want to stay at home and be a house wife, good for you! If you want to be a CEO of a giant company, good for you too! Basically, I like women's lib because it let's women be who they want to be and is supposed to take away societal pressures to conform to some Stepford Wife norm.

Well in theory this is all great and I do think the woman's movement over the past 100 years has done amazing things for women...BUT....let's be real, societal pressures are still there for women.  The "norm" has in some ways has just gotten worse.

Now this will be controversial to many people, but I think women had it easier (easier, not necessarily better) when men were supposed to be the breadwinners and the women ran the home.  I mean, if your husband sucked, life sucked, but assuming you had a half way decent spouse, the pressures would have likely been more manageable.  It was probably boring to intelligent women and I'm sure it was frustrating to not go fulfill life's passions, so there's the bad part (granted that's a pretty BIG bad part.)

Today, this whole "do it all" thing is semi out-of-hand.  So, now we have the ability to make any choice and we ruin it for our damn selves by stressing out about having to have it all, do it all, be it all.  We want careers where we make crazy money and achieve great things, we want to be stellar moms, run beautiful homes, and keep our bodies beautiful as well, because we not only do it all, but we are sex kittens to boot.

WHYYYYY do we put so much pressure on ourselves?

I have friends that work HARD (because they have to feed their children - single motherhood is tough) and LOVE their children fiercely and always feel bad because the stay-at-home mom's can go on the field trips or volunteer in the classroom.  I have other friends that feel like they have to choose between their future family and their career because they make so much more than their male counterpart and don't feel comfortable bringing kids into the world quite yet.  I have other friends who really don't want to work anymore, and whose husbands are fine with them staying home, but some part of them just isn't ready for the potential judgment of "oh you don't work? aren't you spoiled!" from some family member or another.

I'm certainly no better at any of these things than any of my friends.  I am the queen of having the mini crisis where I question the meaning of life, and if I'm doing enough, saving enough, working out enough, saving enough orphans from burning buildings etc etc.  I question how I will both find meaningful work and be the mother who makes every soccer practice, ballet recital and science fair.  I don't even have children and I already worry about this.  (Yes, you're right, that's crazy.)

I think we need to give ourselves a break, try to be happy and just.do.our.best.  Make the decisions that are right for you, no matter what someone else might think!  I am well aware that that is easier said than done but I'm working on it.  I adopted the phrase "Give yourself grace" for 2013 and try to say it out loud whenever I catch myself being crazy hard on myself.  All the pressure is a waste of time and energy and us sex kittens have better things to do with our time. ;)




Friday, June 14, 2013

Money/Things versus Freedom

I regularly am befuddled on the average American's view on money for numerous reasons.  But the two   cases that stand out to me are as follows:

1. They are always broke and cannot live a happy life.  Their lack of money stresses them out daily and causes them to have to wonder where they will live or how they might eat the next day/month.  Sometimes the situation is not quite so dire but even then there is constant stress on how to ever save for a down payment for a house, or how to get a car when their current vehicle kicks the bucket.

Now, there are people in these financial straits with good reason - illness, divorce (a sort of good reason), or a dead beat ex spouse who doesn't pay child support etc etc.  My heart goes out to those people.  Unfortunately, more often than not, those reasons are not the reason for such financial hardship.

So many people talk to me about stress over money, and then eat out constantly, get tattoos, buy flat screen TV's....When I explain to them that to have peace of mind you have to make sacrifices in terms of material goods, well, no one likes me.  I try not to preach, so now, I try to just avoid the conversation altogether.  The problem comes in when people ask me for help!  It's a hard balance to give real advice that people might actually follow....but I guess the following part is on them, right?

A great example of this is a close friend of mine - a man in his fifties.  He doesn't own a home and really has no assets to speak of whatsoever.  I have attempted to get him to get his ducks in a row before, but so far, no dice.  His work is very physically demanding and he already has had one heart attack.  During that time, he had to borrow money from friends (including me) to survive.  He has no health insurance, no retirement plan...nothing.  When I ask him why he felt the need to buy new speakers the other day, his response was "God provides for me."  Oh man.

Now, I'm not going to even touch the religious side of that statement...but on the practical side, why is it God's job to manage your finances?  He may have a part in your health, and helping you find work, but in my opinion, whether you save or squander your resources, well that's all free will, baby.

When I ask about what he will do when he is too old to work...his response was "I plan on dying on the job."  I hope that plan works out for you buddy, because if not, life could get way worse.

Now, if he's happy and has managed to scrape by through life to this point, and this doesn't bother him, then who am I to say that it's wrong?  But, I worry.  I worry for everyone in this situation.

This brings us to example 2.  Now, these people I don't worry about at all..I just don't understand them. (I'm probably the weird one, not them.)  Yesterday, I went to lunch with a woman I adore.  She is in her 40's and has had a long and successful career.  She is married with no children and her husband also has done well.  I can't say that they are loaded but I'd imagine that they are more than comfortable. Now, this lovely lady, HATED her job.  She never admitted directly but I'm pretty sure she was miserable.  And technically speaking, she didn't have golden handcuffs.  She could afford to not be employed.  Recently, blessing or not (this is still TBD), she was laid off from her job.  She did receive severance, so for a few months, she can blissfully be paid to lay in the sun, work out etc.

I asked her what her next move was going to be. She told me very honestly that she wasn't sure yet. She also said that she really didn't want to go back to work at an 8 to 5 job for someone else who may or may not treat you like crap.  (I didn't blame her, obviously.)

I said "Great! Are you going to do volunteer work? enjoy being a house wife? turn into a lady or leisure?"

Her smile faded a bit and she said "Well to live the lifestyle of spending I'm accustomed to I have to go back to work."

I asked her very openly "What's more important, freedom and your apparent (just looking at her you could see it) new found stress free happiness or going shopping?"

She said she didn't know yet.

Now, there is no judgment from me here.  If you want pretty, shiny things, and you're willing to work for them, more power to you.  I don't get it, but more power to you all the same. For me, personally, there is no material good, Louis Vuitton or otherwise, that I would not trade for a healthy emergency fund.  I guess I'm wired differently than most, but the freedom and peace of mind that comes from never having to think of how I'll pay my bills is priceless.   If my boss is a jerk, I have no golden handcuffs.  I can happily tell him to "go to hell!" and walk.  That's worth a lot to me.

I hope my friend chooses a stress free life even if it means buying less shoes.  Or maybe, she can live the dream and find something she loves to do that still allows her lots of discretionary income...wouldn't that be nice for everyone??

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Sometimes, the best way to describe me is...a little ball of anger.

I think this would generally surprise my friends and that most of them would disagree with me immediately...but they would be wrong.  This is for two reasons.  One. I am generally an upbeat and supportive person.  Two.  I'm very good (possibly too good) at hiding (or at the very least heavily downplaying) when things are wrong.

Now, in all fairness, this hasn't been the best year for lots of reasons that have nothing to do with my semi-retirement.  I've lost a close family member and another has been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer all in the last few months.  This has taken a massive toll on myself and my mother (who is my rock.)  (It is truly the worst feeling in the world to see your mother cry isn't it?)  So, anyways, maybe with all this personal turmoil, my patience level has dipped a bit recently.

With all that said, I really can't handle a lot of things anymore.  Mainly, when adults don't act like adults.  I feel that I am a generous person.  I go out of my way to help people - babysitting your kids, editing your resume and helping you job search, researching suppliers for your new business (for free), buying you a lunch just because, helping you move....you name it.  I do this because I want to and I don't think I get a cookie for it or anything.  I'm just saying that I put effort into trying to be a good friend to people I care about.  I also feel like my significant other and I are generous with our businesses.

When someone we know well is in a jam and need a place to live, we do our best to find them a solution (even if its inconvenient and not as much rental income) through our rental business.  If an employee needs an advance in pay, it is sometimes (probably too often) granted.  I am well aware that these are decisions we make and take responsibility for that decision.  I know that it won't always work out right when we take on that risk.  But, good lord, have mercy, can people start taking any responsibility for themselves? I am sick and tired of feeling like my generosity is taken advantage of! The excuses I hear are many (and rarely are they good!)

Recently, two things in particular have angered me to my core.  One. A guy who we will call Ike needed a place to live for him, his girlfriend and her child.  They were currently living day to day in a hotel and were fairly desperate.  Ike has been a good employee for a long time and is a nice guy. I felt bad for him.  I had tenants moving out of a property later that week. I helped those tenants move to hurry them up.  I then had my maintenance crew work weekends and overtime to get the house ready.  I didn't charge Ike the first month's rent and security deposit because he couldn't come up with it before moving in.  (Yeah, that's my fault.)  After all of that, Ike and the girl start fighting constantly.  He starts calling me about needing her taken off the lease...drama drama.  Then before the first month is even out, he decides they can't afford the property and leaves it ....with all their shit still in it.  I call him and tell him, I can't get rid of his stuff legally and that he has to remove it or sign a formal termination of lease and release of all possessions. His initial response was "Just throw it away. I'm over the whole situation." So now it was my job to move out his crap?  Seriously?  But guess what...that's exactly what happened.  So he still owes money, and I got to move him out.  Shame on me for being a good person?

Two.  We started a company with someone we will call Seth.  Seth was so excited to have his dream realized of his own store in an industry he was passionate about.  We have given Seth every opportunity to make this successful.  He gets a weekly salary, free legal and accounting (the company isn't charged for any of this.) What does he do?  He spends all the company's money on personal crap...repeatedly...even after we talked to him about it and he apologized for it...he does it again.  The problem is that this product cannot be tracked via a POS system exactly so he could sell under the table and we'd have no way of knowing if we take away his company card.  So now we're paying for him to go to dinner at Hooters?  No, I don't think so.  I want to kick him in the face.  Does he not realize that this is straight stealing?  He really doesn't get it and it makes my heart so sad.  When Seth needed a place to stay, he stayed in my guest room.  He's eaten meals at my table and drank beer from my fridge.  When he needed help and called me, I immediately got him whatever he needed.  And this is how we are repaid...repeatedly.

Maybe we help the wrong people? Maybe I just shouldn't help people out?  I don't want to close my heart off to people in need but the recent two events have made it very difficult not to.  These things happen all over though...even in the more professional settings where you wouldn't think someone would/could take advantage...well they do from time to time.

In the past it's been easy to brush my shoulders off but yesterday, frankly, I was ready to take somebody out for being a horrible human being.

Today is another day though. And, let's be honest, I'll keep giving because I don't know how to stop.  

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

So clearly, this blogging thing didn't work out for me as planned, as it has been over a year since I wrote the first post.  However, with that being said, since I am only blogging for myself (and whomever somehow stumbles across the page and cares to read it) I don't really care.

I would say the past year and two months has had highs and lows.  For someone like me, who is an incredibly type A, control freak, the lack of structure has been both exhilarating and stressful.  There are certainly times where I feel that leaving the rat race was the best decision of my life...like when I'm kayaking on the ocean, catching my fish dinner at four in the afternoon.  I also certainly have improved my tan since leaving the office life.  I  enjoy being able to see friends whenever they have time, and  rarely missing a family occasion.

The downside...sometimes I feel lost, or like a failure.  Now, I knooooow that I am not a failure.  I have saved a ton of money, and have chosen a lifestyle of freedom and flexibility.  I also have a LOT of fun. There are not things a failure does. However, I can't help it.  Sometimes the lack of passionate work leaves me feeling empty and like I'm not doing enough with my life.

I do work, a LOT, and honestly, it's not any more or less meaningful than when I worked on IPO's.  It's not like IPO's for a crazy CEO was my life's passion.  However, I still feel like I haven't figured out what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing with my life/time/energy.  I feel like I don't have something that belongs to me, that is MINE to work on.  That's the problem with freelance consulting...I'm at the whim of the clients who frankly are sometimes dumb.

I watched the first episode of House of Cards on Netflix the other day and was so anxious and stressed afterwards.  Like, my chest legitimately was tight.  I miss that fire the characters had!  Again, don't get me wrong...I don't really want a life of backstabbing political crap at all, but I do miss having the passion to achieve, to DO SOMETHING.

The balance between enjoying nature/my dogs/my family and burning up with passionate work is a daily struggle.  I think the path I have chosen is clearly better for my health and day to day enjoyment but it does come with a price.  I definitely sometimes feel like I'm wasting my time.  Let the struggle continue! Perhaps I'll figure out a better balance one of these days.